I'm Beautiful and Ugly

No girl feels beautiful all the time. There are some of us that could wear loose sweat pants and a huge hoodie and we would feel flawless and as beautiful as we are. Then there are some of us that could wear a tight fitted dress with some sexy heels and we would feel nothing but disappointment and ugliness within ourselves. Why? Because there are a lot of us that are insecure. For me, I'm insecure in the way that I only depend on my physical appearance to get through and get by things. I may sound cocky but it's true. I can look within myself and feel ugly and unhappy because I'm no where and I feel like I am nothing. But then again, reality to those around me are since I always have a smile on my face I am happy and since I am "conceited" I am confident. They're wrong. I'm the complete opposite. I don't necessarily smile to hide my feelings, I just smile without realizing it. I also don't mean to be conceited in any manner I just mean to be honest. Now, this may confuse you but when I see my physical beauty my mentally goes sour and I act as though I'm all that when I'm really not. I'm just a young woman trying to fulfill her dream for as long as it lasts. But when I see my physical "ugliness" my mentality becomes so kind and warm-hearted. I guess it seems like  I have two personalities in one body. Weird, huh? Maybe one day you could look through a mirror when you are going out to a nice, fun event and have to look extremely gorgeous and you'll find what you really feel. Another time you can look through a mirror when you have just woken up and look sloppy and find what you really feel for that moment until you make yourself physically beautiful. It's funny our my mentality works like that. It's like I'm a stereotypical Gemini; "split-personalities"

A Model Who Was Torn.

All she does is watch her daughter follow her footsteps

and be what she wanted to be.

All she wanted was a chance.

A chance to fill her life with glamour

A chance to fill her life with fame.

 

She just wanted to be recognized

In anyway.

She analyzes her daughter as she follows her footsteps.

Feels anger and jealousy,

Because she has what she what she wasn't allowed to achieve.

 

She cannot blame anyone but herself.

She let emotions and relations come in between her and her dream.

She let her husband tear her into pieces

And from that,

She did not use it to succeed.

 

She feels miserable for what she is doing now.

It is not what she lives for.

It is not what she breathes.

She’s in love with fashion

And that's what she had wish to proceed.

 

Proceed fashion.

Proceed glamour.

Proceed fame.

The things she felt happy about

Though ashamed.

 

She did not take advantage of her opportunities to begin.

She did not take advantage of the things she needed to win.

She just listened to her ignorant husband rant about her poor decisions.

She could not be a model

Because he made her believe she would go no where.

My Goals.

So today I went downtown to have my first photoshoot! Sadly I didn't get any money because it was for my portfolio. The thing that sucks is that I can't get what I want. I actually do envy those girls who are 5"9 with a fair skin complexion because unlike them I actually have to work EXTRA HARD to be successful in the fashion industry as a model. I love to model. Not only because I love attention but because I have actually set goals for myself if I continue being in the fashion industry. One goal is proving those who say "you can go no where with having a career in fashion" that they are wrong because just like any other career whether it being medical, engineering, business, etc. there are pros and cons. Another goal is to show those who are currently being abused physically, emotionally and/or sexually that by over-coming a horrible obsticle like that makes them a hell of a lot more stronger than those who just have nothing to do but bully, manipulate and hurt people around them and who love them. I would also love to show them that those hurtful conflicts and horrible scenerios they have experienced can be a positive thing because they can use it to benefit themselves later on. They can use it as a motivation to push them into what they want to be in life.

My whole life I have been let down by my father. Yes, that is right my father. I was never "daddy's little girl" though I always envied those girls who were. I even found hatred in those who told me they hate their father because they wouldn't have their own way. I found that selfish and disrespectful because from what I saw their fathers TRIED to be there for them when they needed help. Their fathers TRIED to tell them the truth when they refused to hear it. Lastly, their fathers DID want to hurt who ever hurt them. And that I've never experienced. My father is crazy. I mean it. He is selfish and money hungry. I see him as a rich man but with so little to love. When it all comes down to it, he's fake. He has no meaning to his life. Just like Socrates said in his trial, "The unexamined life is not worth living." I use this quote in a way to describe what my father is; not who. He puts everything in a doubt and never questions what's in front of him. This means he is a confused human being though in his eyes it seems as though he knows everything. He only knows what he studies in books. He does not use his mind to wonder but, to assume. He assumes that I will not fulfill my life choosing a fashion career. He assumes I am not happy because of my mother and other surroundings... not because of him. He assumes that I am his daughter when reality is he is not my father. My mother is my father. She is both my mom and dad. All my father knows how to do is assume and connect to what he does not know but thinks he knows.

From this my main goal is to prove to my father that he does not know anything and that he is stupid. Why? Because my whole life my mother made me rely on my father for knowledge but reality is I am self-knowledge and my father knows nothing but what those higher than his profession teach him. By them teaching him, he never takes the time to think he just considers them as always being right and not wrong. By me choosing a path in fashion I take it to my advantage that by me working hard, studying what I never known but will surely know soon that I will prove that fashion is a profession not a hobby and surely not a childish dream.

There's No Satisfaction!

So I'm in bed just crying away. I have nothing in mind but harsh, immature thoughts, even though everything that I've ever wanted is happening to me right this instant! I have my modeling agent who works for ME, I  know I'm starting my career without any knowledge but I somehow like it like that. I learn along the way. But even though I like it, I don't feel happy about my hard work. My whole life I've visioned myself as a model; runway, commercials, editorial... pretty much HIGH FASHION...that's what I've wanted my whole life. Though I'm too short for runway AND editorial, therefore I'm a "petite" model which leads me to be stuck with commericals and film. Maybe all of this is just so overwhelming and all coming too fast that I don't have time to enjoy what's being brought to me.  I can't say I've never worked hard to be in the fashion industry because I have. I just wish to be in the high fashion industry. 

In addition, I'm the finalist for Miss Petite Ontario. For some reason it may sound like a big thing but personally it really doesn't mean a thing. At least not for me. I think I just keep wanting more... I want things that I can't have. Maybe all of this is just a motivation to prove something to the world. Something they've never seen before. Or maybe all of this is telling me to choose a different path. It looks like I am succeeding in this industry but, I feel as though I'm not. I don't know why. I may sound selfish and unappreciative but I just don't feel glamorous... and glamour is something I always thought I would feel. 

I used to be the girl that believed love could conquer all...
Though in reality,
All is fair in true love & war

Love Is Pain

She opens the door

And walks into my room.

I stare at her.

Her beauty's so genuine,

Her beauty's surreal.

I take her and lay her down.

Caressing her voluptuous hips,

Staring into her ocean blue eyes.

She kisses my neck with her cherry red lips

That I simply cannot resist.

With all of her might,

She lays me down;

Making me not want to get up.

I hear her soft giggle,

While I stroke her spoon-shaped figure immensely.

I keep staring at her,

I cannot stop stroking her waist.

She is my obsession

And that is why I whisper to her,

"I love you."

She stops.

She gets off of me.

Her eyes flooding with tears.

She looks at me in grief and says,

"I am not allowed to love you back."

"This is my job.

I make men believe that I love them,

When truly it is impossible for me to fall in love.

I am not the one you are looking for

I am not the one you want to be in love with."

I look into her eyes in gloom and reply,

"I know you love me.

I know you're not like this with your customers.

I know you are not allowed to love,

But can you please try to love me?

You are who you are around me.

You're never afraid to be what you are.

I know you love me too,

You're just afraid of commitment."

She slaps me.

She gets up,

Puts her corset on,

Making her have more of an hour-glass figure.

She looks at me full of rage.

"I told you I am not the one that you should be in love with!"

She marches toward the door.

She opens it

And walks out of my room.

She not only walks out of my room

But walks out of my life.

The Sun Is Shining ... =)

Hello hello! Well.. I haven't written in a WHILE...since school was in session so I guess I shall start from there = O

Exams were a killer! I didn't study for shit... I felt it was so useless considering I am going to college =)... BUT.. I passed all of my courses though so it wasn't so bad after all! Oh.. & I'm done high school as well XD! ... HURRAY lmfaoo [[damnn im sucha loser xP]]

So far my summer break is awesome & I absolutely LOVE it!

It started out with a couple of friends and I heading up to the beach for two nights... damn it was an adventure. It was two of my friends and one of my friend's boyfriend and his friends heading downtown to Circa lol. Wasn't my cup of tea I would say... it was just alright. After Circa, we drove up to Owensound to go to the beach. It was amazing; We bbqed and lit fire works for Canada Day =)... Other than that, my friends boyfriend's cousin asked for my number =/... I felt bad to reject him so I just gave it to him hoping he wouldn't call every second that he had.. but he did alright. As soon as I walked inside of my friend's house... he called = /. The next morning, he woke me up at 7am and texted me as well =/... He called me an hour after that and an hour after that and so forth... That lasted about a week... [[Thank God he got the message]]

Another day, my friends and I headed to Centennial Park for an outdoor birthday party. It was kind of disturbing at first but later on it was alright. I met new friends which I chilled with a few days ago = ) ...

So other than those adventures... my friends and I have just been doing the regular which still ends up being fun = )

P.S. sorry if this isn't an interesting post lol... i just felt like writingg = D

Numbers That Go By

She walks up to him;

Steps one, two, three.

She looks at him,

Wondering if this could be real.

He looks at her,

Love at first sight.

He waits for her, she walks;

Steps one, two, three.

He holds her tight,

Not wanting to let go.

For one, two, three seconds

and four, five, six more.

He lets her go,

Looks at her, she looks at him

For four, five, six seconds.

They begin to walk forward.

Faster and faster he walks,

And more and more she stares.

She slows him down, they joke

For seven, eight, nine weeks they laugh non-stop.

They fight,

They quarrel,

For ten, eleven, twelve minutes.

Then they're back to what they were.

She fears rejection,

He fears pain.

Within two, four, six days,

He sees her heart in pain.

He doesn't understand why.

Though she barely does as well.

For eight, nine, ten hours she cries,

She cannot sleep during those nights.

She causes pain to both him and her.

He goes away,

And within seven, eight, nine weeks,

He's gone for more than days.

She hates herself for doing so.

Yet hates him for his go.

He's gone forever, though that's what's on her mind.

And within one, two, three weeks, he returns back into her life.

Five, ten, fifteen minutes this conversation goes,

He doesn't want a relationship anymore,

She feels that rejection she despises,

And within two, four, six days, she sees herself as ill.

Within eight, ten, twelve weeks, she sees him with somebody new.

From those one, two, three steps she walked,

and those seven, eight, nine weeks they laughed

She couldn't help but be happy for him.

She wore that mask every eight, nine, ten days she saw him.

Sadly, she couldn't read his mind.

Though, she always questioned,

Eleven, twelve, thirteen times, was it real?

Cold World

In this cold world you will never see what's coming.
You may fantasize about what you want...
But in the end,
It may never come true.

This cold world is what brought you here,
It helped build your character.
Nevertheless,
It's what fucked you over in the end.

This cold world made you change
For the better
or
For the worse.

This cold world has corrupted your thoughts,
Your senses and your heart.
This cold world has manipulated your mind,
and has overpowered what's not theirs.

But from the pain you have suffered from this cold cold world,
You can never get enough.
It's what you rely on, it's what you survive off of.
This cold world has blinded you, so you may never see what's coming next.

If I Were A Boy...

If I were a boy I would treat girls like my bitches. Now, I know considering I'm a female and I want males to treat me respectfully and give me all I that I desire, you may think my “male mentality” of treating girls like bitches is wrong. Though, I don't think I would have the patience to treat a girl as if she were my everything. Personally, if I were of the opposite sex, I would have the tendency to play with them, screw with their minds, and put myself first. Nevertheless, my “male thinking” does not mean I agree with males that do that. I do see it as wrong, disrespectful and disgusting but can't that wrong ever be right? My interpretation of these guys in whom are categorized as "players," pimps, cheaters, "dogs," etc. are the guys who see that out of all the girls that they have been with, one of them must be the right one. That's their mentality. Needless to say, if none of them are the right one, they just keep messing around, playing with girls until they find the one that they can hold down and be serious with. It's like a journey for them. Though, my thought may not be quite accurate because there are those who treat girls like bitches because of the suffering they have experienced in their previous relationship.
Though, at times I do have the "male mentality" when freshly moving on without having a companion. There were cases in which I would have rebound guys to move on, to get over my previous partner and though I knew it wasn't right, it was like a drug. Though, one thing that recently struck me was it is completely unnecessary. Yes, it is fine to meet new guys, date them and have an open relationship. But being in a new closed relationship, while having feelings for the person in your previous relationship can very well mess you up mentally. From this, and from all of my experiences with relationships my mentality has completely changed. I don't see the point in relationships. At least not right now. You consistently find new guys to talk to, begin to really like them then you end up in a relationship thinking that they're the one. Then, they end up being some type of ass who played you for a fool. Not appreciating anything and ignores you and neglects you when you try to at least talk to him. Nevertheless, when he realizes that you have moved on and you've found someone new, he finds a way to attach himself to you. Like a baby and its diapers (weird simile, but it works!)...attaches when something new and surprising occurs (comes to realization), detaches when it's fine and there is no bother.

Untitled.

Her body quivers.

Her lips tremble.

Chills run down her spine.

He lays her down, knowing it's time.

He caresses her body,

Tastes her neck.

Endures her tender touch,

Feeling there's no rush.

He can't get enough of her.

She's his drug,

His soul within,

His addiction, his obsession.

He strips her.

He whispers,

I love you,

Don't fight me off of you.

Enjoy what I offer.

Enjoy my gift to you.

I can see that you're frightened.

But all you do is make me feel enlightened.

Today was the DAY!

For all those times I've doubted myself for having friends, I know who they are now. Throughout all the suffering and pain I've been feeling lately, today was the first day I actually opened up and let people see me for what I really am. I never really thought I could actually have true friends like them; being so opinionated and what not. Now, I've been anti-social for around a week or so, and had alienated myself which was completely unhealthy... in which I know now. Today, during my third period spare, I saw four of my friends, near the cafeteria. Right when I saw them, I felt as though I should put my head down because I didn't think they would notice me. I felt as though I didn't "belong." Nevertheless, they all looked at me, wondering where I had been lately. I walked towards them and all of us started talking. That was the moment I actually opened up. I told them what was going on... they didn't judge nor did they compare. All they did was listen and give me advice. From everything that I've been through lately, I have now learned that I shouldn't keep myself away from those who want to help; because in the end of the day... who do we turn too? Friends and family.
xoxo

Knowledge of the Human Species

You may think you know someone inside out... but in reality... there is a limit of how much you actually know this person. As I spoke to my friend about how I've been feeling lately, she told me one thing that I was shocked to hear... she is suffering from bipolar as well. From that, we automatically got into a conversation toward my feelings and anxiety. I guess I can say she has highly influenced me to open myself up and let pain be a positive thing and not a negative. She made me see things that I never really saw before and she made me realize that pain is healthy because you learn from it. Anyway, sooner or later we got into this conversation about "boy/ girl" relationships and how hard they can be. Well, she too knows this boy in particular and in her eyes he is much more different now than he was before. But then again, how much can a person really change? Anyway, I learned that this "boy" felt the need to seperate us because of the known conflict between her and him. For a while, and I highly do apologize for this, I really thought she was being unfaithful as a friend because she kept something so bonded away from me. But I guess I was the fool who should have known better. Like she said, I just should have asked. But I felt as though considering he was so close to me, that I shouldn't betray him like that. Yet, instead of betraying him, I betrayed her. In my eyes, I see him as a complete different species, I found it hard to forgive him after he told me about their "bond" and I found it hard to forgive her because of her unfaithfulness. But in the end I could never forgive him for being so selfish and putting his needs first. I have learned that the male's mentality is completely different from females. They would do anything to make themselves look like a "big man" whereas females like to keep it civilized. Then again, how many females are actually "civilized" young women?

Cut my Heart Open, and Drain Out All the Tears

So, it's my second time within a few hours posting a blog. As I sit here and wonder, what really possesses girls to deliberately destroy a stable relationship by their selfishness, needs and desires? "Cut my heart open, and drain out all the tears." I guess it's my philosophy for what I'm going through right now. If honesty was so easy to do, I really would have done it. If defending a child was uncalled for, I would still do it, even though I know it's wrong and even though it would create problems for us later on. As I open my eyes when it's too late, I see what she really is about; using people to satisfy herself... she is very manipulative. But what else can I do? All I can really do is sit here and wait for karma to happen, and for him to realize what really did happen between us. Then again, how long is that going to take? I tried my best and did all I can do for days and days. It's hard, and it is the reason why I am against teenage relationships. Nevertheless, I know I am contradicting myself. I mean, he's a teenager, I too am a teenager and yes we were together and yes I still do want to be with him, but deep down, I can honestly say this is the only relationship worth trying for. But why? I guess it's my first time being in love... and even though it is, how long can I really try for? How do I even know he loves me back? Does he even miss me? But I guess there are those types of females that make you think that they are your friends and kindly put negative thoughts inside your head and when you argue with the one you love, it's automatically your fault, no explanation... it just is. And by it being your fault, it really isn't. It's the person who feeds you these thoughts of negativity. Why? Because from having a nice, perfect relationship, being best friends, telling each other everything to being hurt and cussing and fighting most of the days and blaming each other for things that we didn't do... can it really be our fault? or hers? ... hers.

Yes. I'm Committing [[Social Suicide]]...

For years and years, all I have ever wanted were friends who I knew would be by my side no matter the situation or condition. I had always wanted friends that were true and who would always be there for me. So far, I have been through five elementry schools and two high schools. I have made my friends who were just my friends at school and I have made my friends who are still with me right now. But then how long will it take for them to dissappear? When we go off to university or college or even start working full-time, how many of us will actually remain close? So, right now, I attend a school named St. Joan of Arc. Within the whole school there is around 20 of us who are friends and are a "clique." Now, considering it is my last year, everyone, including my group of friends are excited about a specific event, prom. I find it weird because there really is no excitement to it. I mean, you waste your money on purchasing a dress, getting your hair and nails done, renting a limo and what not... but it's only for one night! And even though it's a night to remember, how can you be sure it'll be a dream come true? Now, I may be a bit critical toward this whole thing, but it's my point of view, and you can't really judge someone for stating their opinion...because it's their opinion. So, me not going to prom, why is it important that I even go? It's not. Who's going to remember me? or even you? There's around 300 graduates, and I guarentee you less than half of them know who I am or have even heard my name. And how many of them know who you are? And why should we as students of the school even care? It's not that I care, it's the fact that, throughout my high school life, I really haven't been very social toward a lot of people. My regret is not knowing as many people as I should have, but why would I even want to get to know those people anyway? Now, I maybe alienating myself from an important event and from those who I hang out with, but there are way more important things than prom. There's university to look forward to, marriage, having a job, maybe even having a family... why should prom come before all of that? Prom is just there to show off... people, especially girls competing with eachother by having the best dress or looking the prettiest, but why does that matter? Looks aren't everything. Prom is supposed to be fun and by me choosing to alienate myself from it, I just can't handle the stress of me being looked at as a "competitor" because in reality, I'm not. I don't want to be categorized as the typical girl that goes to prom just to show off what she has, because I have nothing to show. I am just an average teenage girl who doesn't want to be criticized for my appearance. I choose to alienate myself from this event also because how many of you am I actually close too? In reality, I do not have a lot of friends and I like it like that because how many people are actually your friends?