A Model Who Was Torn.

All she does is watch her daughter follow her footsteps

and be what she wanted to be.

All she wanted was a chance.

A chance to fill her life with glamour

A chance to fill her life with fame.

 

She just wanted to be recognized

In anyway.

She analyzes her daughter as she follows her footsteps.

Feels anger and jealousy,

Because she has what she what she wasn't allowed to achieve.

 

She cannot blame anyone but herself.

She let emotions and relations come in between her and her dream.

She let her husband tear her into pieces

And from that,

She did not use it to succeed.

 

She feels miserable for what she is doing now.

It is not what she lives for.

It is not what she breathes.

She’s in love with fashion

And that's what she had wish to proceed.

 

Proceed fashion.

Proceed glamour.

Proceed fame.

The things she felt happy about

Though ashamed.

 

She did not take advantage of her opportunities to begin.

She did not take advantage of the things she needed to win.

She just listened to her ignorant husband rant about her poor decisions.

She could not be a model

Because he made her believe she would go no where.

My Goals.

So today I went downtown to have my first photoshoot! Sadly I didn't get any money because it was for my portfolio. The thing that sucks is that I can't get what I want. I actually do envy those girls who are 5"9 with a fair skin complexion because unlike them I actually have to work EXTRA HARD to be successful in the fashion industry as a model. I love to model. Not only because I love attention but because I have actually set goals for myself if I continue being in the fashion industry. One goal is proving those who say "you can go no where with having a career in fashion" that they are wrong because just like any other career whether it being medical, engineering, business, etc. there are pros and cons. Another goal is to show those who are currently being abused physically, emotionally and/or sexually that by over-coming a horrible obsticle like that makes them a hell of a lot more stronger than those who just have nothing to do but bully, manipulate and hurt people around them and who love them. I would also love to show them that those hurtful conflicts and horrible scenerios they have experienced can be a positive thing because they can use it to benefit themselves later on. They can use it as a motivation to push them into what they want to be in life.

My whole life I have been let down by my father. Yes, that is right my father. I was never "daddy's little girl" though I always envied those girls who were. I even found hatred in those who told me they hate their father because they wouldn't have their own way. I found that selfish and disrespectful because from what I saw their fathers TRIED to be there for them when they needed help. Their fathers TRIED to tell them the truth when they refused to hear it. Lastly, their fathers DID want to hurt who ever hurt them. And that I've never experienced. My father is crazy. I mean it. He is selfish and money hungry. I see him as a rich man but with so little to love. When it all comes down to it, he's fake. He has no meaning to his life. Just like Socrates said in his trial, "The unexamined life is not worth living." I use this quote in a way to describe what my father is; not who. He puts everything in a doubt and never questions what's in front of him. This means he is a confused human being though in his eyes it seems as though he knows everything. He only knows what he studies in books. He does not use his mind to wonder but, to assume. He assumes that I will not fulfill my life choosing a fashion career. He assumes I am not happy because of my mother and other surroundings... not because of him. He assumes that I am his daughter when reality is he is not my father. My mother is my father. She is both my mom and dad. All my father knows how to do is assume and connect to what he does not know but thinks he knows.

From this my main goal is to prove to my father that he does not know anything and that he is stupid. Why? Because my whole life my mother made me rely on my father for knowledge but reality is I am self-knowledge and my father knows nothing but what those higher than his profession teach him. By them teaching him, he never takes the time to think he just considers them as always being right and not wrong. By me choosing a path in fashion I take it to my advantage that by me working hard, studying what I never known but will surely know soon that I will prove that fashion is a profession not a hobby and surely not a childish dream.

There's No Satisfaction!

So I'm in bed just crying away. I have nothing in mind but harsh, immature thoughts, even though everything that I've ever wanted is happening to me right this instant! I have my modeling agent who works for ME, I  know I'm starting my career without any knowledge but I somehow like it like that. I learn along the way. But even though I like it, I don't feel happy about my hard work. My whole life I've visioned myself as a model; runway, commercials, editorial... pretty much HIGH FASHION...that's what I've wanted my whole life. Though I'm too short for runway AND editorial, therefore I'm a "petite" model which leads me to be stuck with commericals and film. Maybe all of this is just so overwhelming and all coming too fast that I don't have time to enjoy what's being brought to me.  I can't say I've never worked hard to be in the fashion industry because I have. I just wish to be in the high fashion industry. 

In addition, I'm the finalist for Miss Petite Ontario. For some reason it may sound like a big thing but personally it really doesn't mean a thing. At least not for me. I think I just keep wanting more... I want things that I can't have. Maybe all of this is just a motivation to prove something to the world. Something they've never seen before. Or maybe all of this is telling me to choose a different path. It looks like I am succeeding in this industry but, I feel as though I'm not. I don't know why. I may sound selfish and unappreciative but I just don't feel glamorous... and glamour is something I always thought I would feel.