If I Were A Boy...

If I were a boy I would treat girls like my bitches. Now, I know considering I'm a female and I want males to treat me respectfully and give me all I that I desire, you may think my “male mentality” of treating girls like bitches is wrong. Though, I don't think I would have the patience to treat a girl as if she were my everything. Personally, if I were of the opposite sex, I would have the tendency to play with them, screw with their minds, and put myself first. Nevertheless, my “male thinking” does not mean I agree with males that do that. I do see it as wrong, disrespectful and disgusting but can't that wrong ever be right? My interpretation of these guys in whom are categorized as "players," pimps, cheaters, "dogs," etc. are the guys who see that out of all the girls that they have been with, one of them must be the right one. That's their mentality. Needless to say, if none of them are the right one, they just keep messing around, playing with girls until they find the one that they can hold down and be serious with. It's like a journey for them. Though, my thought may not be quite accurate because there are those who treat girls like bitches because of the suffering they have experienced in their previous relationship.
Though, at times I do have the "male mentality" when freshly moving on without having a companion. There were cases in which I would have rebound guys to move on, to get over my previous partner and though I knew it wasn't right, it was like a drug. Though, one thing that recently struck me was it is completely unnecessary. Yes, it is fine to meet new guys, date them and have an open relationship. But being in a new closed relationship, while having feelings for the person in your previous relationship can very well mess you up mentally. From this, and from all of my experiences with relationships my mentality has completely changed. I don't see the point in relationships. At least not right now. You consistently find new guys to talk to, begin to really like them then you end up in a relationship thinking that they're the one. Then, they end up being some type of ass who played you for a fool. Not appreciating anything and ignores you and neglects you when you try to at least talk to him. Nevertheless, when he realizes that you have moved on and you've found someone new, he finds a way to attach himself to you. Like a baby and its diapers (weird simile, but it works!)...attaches when something new and surprising occurs (comes to realization), detaches when it's fine and there is no bother.

Untitled.

Her body quivers.

Her lips tremble.

Chills run down her spine.

He lays her down, knowing it's time.

He caresses her body,

Tastes her neck.

Endures her tender touch,

Feeling there's no rush.

He can't get enough of her.

She's his drug,

His soul within,

His addiction, his obsession.

He strips her.

He whispers,

I love you,

Don't fight me off of you.

Enjoy what I offer.

Enjoy my gift to you.

I can see that you're frightened.

But all you do is make me feel enlightened.

Today was the DAY!

For all those times I've doubted myself for having friends, I know who they are now. Throughout all the suffering and pain I've been feeling lately, today was the first day I actually opened up and let people see me for what I really am. I never really thought I could actually have true friends like them; being so opinionated and what not. Now, I've been anti-social for around a week or so, and had alienated myself which was completely unhealthy... in which I know now. Today, during my third period spare, I saw four of my friends, near the cafeteria. Right when I saw them, I felt as though I should put my head down because I didn't think they would notice me. I felt as though I didn't "belong." Nevertheless, they all looked at me, wondering where I had been lately. I walked towards them and all of us started talking. That was the moment I actually opened up. I told them what was going on... they didn't judge nor did they compare. All they did was listen and give me advice. From everything that I've been through lately, I have now learned that I shouldn't keep myself away from those who want to help; because in the end of the day... who do we turn too? Friends and family.
xoxo

Knowledge of the Human Species

You may think you know someone inside out... but in reality... there is a limit of how much you actually know this person. As I spoke to my friend about how I've been feeling lately, she told me one thing that I was shocked to hear... she is suffering from bipolar as well. From that, we automatically got into a conversation toward my feelings and anxiety. I guess I can say she has highly influenced me to open myself up and let pain be a positive thing and not a negative. She made me see things that I never really saw before and she made me realize that pain is healthy because you learn from it. Anyway, sooner or later we got into this conversation about "boy/ girl" relationships and how hard they can be. Well, she too knows this boy in particular and in her eyes he is much more different now than he was before. But then again, how much can a person really change? Anyway, I learned that this "boy" felt the need to seperate us because of the known conflict between her and him. For a while, and I highly do apologize for this, I really thought she was being unfaithful as a friend because she kept something so bonded away from me. But I guess I was the fool who should have known better. Like she said, I just should have asked. But I felt as though considering he was so close to me, that I shouldn't betray him like that. Yet, instead of betraying him, I betrayed her. In my eyes, I see him as a complete different species, I found it hard to forgive him after he told me about their "bond" and I found it hard to forgive her because of her unfaithfulness. But in the end I could never forgive him for being so selfish and putting his needs first. I have learned that the male's mentality is completely different from females. They would do anything to make themselves look like a "big man" whereas females like to keep it civilized. Then again, how many females are actually "civilized" young women?

Cut my Heart Open, and Drain Out All the Tears

So, it's my second time within a few hours posting a blog. As I sit here and wonder, what really possesses girls to deliberately destroy a stable relationship by their selfishness, needs and desires? "Cut my heart open, and drain out all the tears." I guess it's my philosophy for what I'm going through right now. If honesty was so easy to do, I really would have done it. If defending a child was uncalled for, I would still do it, even though I know it's wrong and even though it would create problems for us later on. As I open my eyes when it's too late, I see what she really is about; using people to satisfy herself... she is very manipulative. But what else can I do? All I can really do is sit here and wait for karma to happen, and for him to realize what really did happen between us. Then again, how long is that going to take? I tried my best and did all I can do for days and days. It's hard, and it is the reason why I am against teenage relationships. Nevertheless, I know I am contradicting myself. I mean, he's a teenager, I too am a teenager and yes we were together and yes I still do want to be with him, but deep down, I can honestly say this is the only relationship worth trying for. But why? I guess it's my first time being in love... and even though it is, how long can I really try for? How do I even know he loves me back? Does he even miss me? But I guess there are those types of females that make you think that they are your friends and kindly put negative thoughts inside your head and when you argue with the one you love, it's automatically your fault, no explanation... it just is. And by it being your fault, it really isn't. It's the person who feeds you these thoughts of negativity. Why? Because from having a nice, perfect relationship, being best friends, telling each other everything to being hurt and cussing and fighting most of the days and blaming each other for things that we didn't do... can it really be our fault? or hers? ... hers.

Yes. I'm Committing [[Social Suicide]]...

For years and years, all I have ever wanted were friends who I knew would be by my side no matter the situation or condition. I had always wanted friends that were true and who would always be there for me. So far, I have been through five elementry schools and two high schools. I have made my friends who were just my friends at school and I have made my friends who are still with me right now. But then how long will it take for them to dissappear? When we go off to university or college or even start working full-time, how many of us will actually remain close? So, right now, I attend a school named St. Joan of Arc. Within the whole school there is around 20 of us who are friends and are a "clique." Now, considering it is my last year, everyone, including my group of friends are excited about a specific event, prom. I find it weird because there really is no excitement to it. I mean, you waste your money on purchasing a dress, getting your hair and nails done, renting a limo and what not... but it's only for one night! And even though it's a night to remember, how can you be sure it'll be a dream come true? Now, I may be a bit critical toward this whole thing, but it's my point of view, and you can't really judge someone for stating their opinion...because it's their opinion. So, me not going to prom, why is it important that I even go? It's not. Who's going to remember me? or even you? There's around 300 graduates, and I guarentee you less than half of them know who I am or have even heard my name. And how many of them know who you are? And why should we as students of the school even care? It's not that I care, it's the fact that, throughout my high school life, I really haven't been very social toward a lot of people. My regret is not knowing as many people as I should have, but why would I even want to get to know those people anyway? Now, I maybe alienating myself from an important event and from those who I hang out with, but there are way more important things than prom. There's university to look forward to, marriage, having a job, maybe even having a family... why should prom come before all of that? Prom is just there to show off... people, especially girls competing with eachother by having the best dress or looking the prettiest, but why does that matter? Looks aren't everything. Prom is supposed to be fun and by me choosing to alienate myself from it, I just can't handle the stress of me being looked at as a "competitor" because in reality, I'm not. I don't want to be categorized as the typical girl that goes to prom just to show off what she has, because I have nothing to show. I am just an average teenage girl who doesn't want to be criticized for my appearance. I choose to alienate myself from this event also because how many of you am I actually close too? In reality, I do not have a lot of friends and I like it like that because how many people are actually your friends?