I'm Beautiful and Ugly

No girl feels beautiful all the time. There are some of us that could wear loose sweat pants and a huge hoodie and we would feel flawless and as beautiful as we are. Then there are some of us that could wear a tight fitted dress with some sexy heels and we would feel nothing but disappointment and ugliness within ourselves. Why? Because there are a lot of us that are insecure. For me, I'm insecure in the way that I only depend on my physical appearance to get through and get by things. I may sound cocky but it's true. I can look within myself and feel ugly and unhappy because I'm no where and I feel like I am nothing. But then again, reality to those around me are since I always have a smile on my face I am happy and since I am "conceited" I am confident. They're wrong. I'm the complete opposite. I don't necessarily smile to hide my feelings, I just smile without realizing it. I also don't mean to be conceited in any manner I just mean to be honest. Now, this may confuse you but when I see my physical beauty my mentally goes sour and I act as though I'm all that when I'm really not. I'm just a young woman trying to fulfill her dream for as long as it lasts. But when I see my physical "ugliness" my mentality becomes so kind and warm-hearted. I guess it seems like  I have two personalities in one body. Weird, huh? Maybe one day you could look through a mirror when you are going out to a nice, fun event and have to look extremely gorgeous and you'll find what you really feel. Another time you can look through a mirror when you have just woken up and look sloppy and find what you really feel for that moment until you make yourself physically beautiful. It's funny our my mentality works like that. It's like I'm a stereotypical Gemini; "split-personalities"

A Model Who Was Torn.

All she does is watch her daughter follow her footsteps

and be what she wanted to be.

All she wanted was a chance.

A chance to fill her life with glamour

A chance to fill her life with fame.

 

She just wanted to be recognized

In anyway.

She analyzes her daughter as she follows her footsteps.

Feels anger and jealousy,

Because she has what she what she wasn't allowed to achieve.

 

She cannot blame anyone but herself.

She let emotions and relations come in between her and her dream.

She let her husband tear her into pieces

And from that,

She did not use it to succeed.

 

She feels miserable for what she is doing now.

It is not what she lives for.

It is not what she breathes.

She’s in love with fashion

And that's what she had wish to proceed.

 

Proceed fashion.

Proceed glamour.

Proceed fame.

The things she felt happy about

Though ashamed.

 

She did not take advantage of her opportunities to begin.

She did not take advantage of the things she needed to win.

She just listened to her ignorant husband rant about her poor decisions.

She could not be a model

Because he made her believe she would go no where.

My Goals.

So today I went downtown to have my first photoshoot! Sadly I didn't get any money because it was for my portfolio. The thing that sucks is that I can't get what I want. I actually do envy those girls who are 5"9 with a fair skin complexion because unlike them I actually have to work EXTRA HARD to be successful in the fashion industry as a model. I love to model. Not only because I love attention but because I have actually set goals for myself if I continue being in the fashion industry. One goal is proving those who say "you can go no where with having a career in fashion" that they are wrong because just like any other career whether it being medical, engineering, business, etc. there are pros and cons. Another goal is to show those who are currently being abused physically, emotionally and/or sexually that by over-coming a horrible obsticle like that makes them a hell of a lot more stronger than those who just have nothing to do but bully, manipulate and hurt people around them and who love them. I would also love to show them that those hurtful conflicts and horrible scenerios they have experienced can be a positive thing because they can use it to benefit themselves later on. They can use it as a motivation to push them into what they want to be in life.

My whole life I have been let down by my father. Yes, that is right my father. I was never "daddy's little girl" though I always envied those girls who were. I even found hatred in those who told me they hate their father because they wouldn't have their own way. I found that selfish and disrespectful because from what I saw their fathers TRIED to be there for them when they needed help. Their fathers TRIED to tell them the truth when they refused to hear it. Lastly, their fathers DID want to hurt who ever hurt them. And that I've never experienced. My father is crazy. I mean it. He is selfish and money hungry. I see him as a rich man but with so little to love. When it all comes down to it, he's fake. He has no meaning to his life. Just like Socrates said in his trial, "The unexamined life is not worth living." I use this quote in a way to describe what my father is; not who. He puts everything in a doubt and never questions what's in front of him. This means he is a confused human being though in his eyes it seems as though he knows everything. He only knows what he studies in books. He does not use his mind to wonder but, to assume. He assumes that I will not fulfill my life choosing a fashion career. He assumes I am not happy because of my mother and other surroundings... not because of him. He assumes that I am his daughter when reality is he is not my father. My mother is my father. She is both my mom and dad. All my father knows how to do is assume and connect to what he does not know but thinks he knows.

From this my main goal is to prove to my father that he does not know anything and that he is stupid. Why? Because my whole life my mother made me rely on my father for knowledge but reality is I am self-knowledge and my father knows nothing but what those higher than his profession teach him. By them teaching him, he never takes the time to think he just considers them as always being right and not wrong. By me choosing a path in fashion I take it to my advantage that by me working hard, studying what I never known but will surely know soon that I will prove that fashion is a profession not a hobby and surely not a childish dream.

There's No Satisfaction!

So I'm in bed just crying away. I have nothing in mind but harsh, immature thoughts, even though everything that I've ever wanted is happening to me right this instant! I have my modeling agent who works for ME, I  know I'm starting my career without any knowledge but I somehow like it like that. I learn along the way. But even though I like it, I don't feel happy about my hard work. My whole life I've visioned myself as a model; runway, commercials, editorial... pretty much HIGH FASHION...that's what I've wanted my whole life. Though I'm too short for runway AND editorial, therefore I'm a "petite" model which leads me to be stuck with commericals and film. Maybe all of this is just so overwhelming and all coming too fast that I don't have time to enjoy what's being brought to me.  I can't say I've never worked hard to be in the fashion industry because I have. I just wish to be in the high fashion industry. 

In addition, I'm the finalist for Miss Petite Ontario. For some reason it may sound like a big thing but personally it really doesn't mean a thing. At least not for me. I think I just keep wanting more... I want things that I can't have. Maybe all of this is just a motivation to prove something to the world. Something they've never seen before. Or maybe all of this is telling me to choose a different path. It looks like I am succeeding in this industry but, I feel as though I'm not. I don't know why. I may sound selfish and unappreciative but I just don't feel glamorous... and glamour is something I always thought I would feel. 

I used to be the girl that believed love could conquer all...
Though in reality,
All is fair in true love & war

Love Is Pain

She opens the door

And walks into my room.

I stare at her.

Her beauty's so genuine,

Her beauty's surreal.

I take her and lay her down.

Caressing her voluptuous hips,

Staring into her ocean blue eyes.

She kisses my neck with her cherry red lips

That I simply cannot resist.

With all of her might,

She lays me down;

Making me not want to get up.

I hear her soft giggle,

While I stroke her spoon-shaped figure immensely.

I keep staring at her,

I cannot stop stroking her waist.

She is my obsession

And that is why I whisper to her,

"I love you."

She stops.

She gets off of me.

Her eyes flooding with tears.

She looks at me in grief and says,

"I am not allowed to love you back."

"This is my job.

I make men believe that I love them,

When truly it is impossible for me to fall in love.

I am not the one you are looking for

I am not the one you want to be in love with."

I look into her eyes in gloom and reply,

"I know you love me.

I know you're not like this with your customers.

I know you are not allowed to love,

But can you please try to love me?

You are who you are around me.

You're never afraid to be what you are.

I know you love me too,

You're just afraid of commitment."

She slaps me.

She gets up,

Puts her corset on,

Making her have more of an hour-glass figure.

She looks at me full of rage.

"I told you I am not the one that you should be in love with!"

She marches toward the door.

She opens it

And walks out of my room.

She not only walks out of my room

But walks out of my life.

The Sun Is Shining ... =)

Hello hello! Well.. I haven't written in a WHILE...since school was in session so I guess I shall start from there = O

Exams were a killer! I didn't study for shit... I felt it was so useless considering I am going to college =)... BUT.. I passed all of my courses though so it wasn't so bad after all! Oh.. & I'm done high school as well XD! ... HURRAY lmfaoo [[damnn im sucha loser xP]]

So far my summer break is awesome & I absolutely LOVE it!

It started out with a couple of friends and I heading up to the beach for two nights... damn it was an adventure. It was two of my friends and one of my friend's boyfriend and his friends heading downtown to Circa lol. Wasn't my cup of tea I would say... it was just alright. After Circa, we drove up to Owensound to go to the beach. It was amazing; We bbqed and lit fire works for Canada Day =)... Other than that, my friends boyfriend's cousin asked for my number =/... I felt bad to reject him so I just gave it to him hoping he wouldn't call every second that he had.. but he did alright. As soon as I walked inside of my friend's house... he called = /. The next morning, he woke me up at 7am and texted me as well =/... He called me an hour after that and an hour after that and so forth... That lasted about a week... [[Thank God he got the message]]

Another day, my friends and I headed to Centennial Park for an outdoor birthday party. It was kind of disturbing at first but later on it was alright. I met new friends which I chilled with a few days ago = ) ...

So other than those adventures... my friends and I have just been doing the regular which still ends up being fun = )

P.S. sorry if this isn't an interesting post lol... i just felt like writingg = D